I don't want kids. I'm not opposed to marriage/perpetual monogamy, what have you. But motherhood's not for me. I don't have the urge to pro-create. Sure I find them cute. I can make funny faces, toss them in the air and make them giggle-y. But I don't want to take them home.
This is not the popular way to go for women, I am aware. I'm sure people have their opinions of people who don't want to have kids (i.e., they're selfish, too self-absorbed; they don't know what they will be missing; they are ignorant of the joys of parenthood; they will change their minds and by then it'll be too late - ha!).
Those opinions might represent me. Who knows. People (save for those who are capable of looking beyond and poking holes through their own biases) will see what they want to see.
The thing is -- I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just owe one to myself. And if the explanation is something I can live with. Then that's all that matters.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
rainy sunday and mourning
the mental chatter in my head does not want to go unacknowledged:
don't pin your hopes on one person. however virtuous and noble they may appear/strive to be (or how open-ended your expectations are), they will disappoint. they will unknowingly dismiss you. unwittingly, they will set you aside, to be taken out only on days when they feel they need your help.
and the way that feels -- and it's not even the act of "setting aside" that guts you. it is the unawareness. they do not realize. they think nothing of it -- like the consideration of your feelings is not even a topic in the agenda.
so why don't you just save them from their ignorance? why don't you just Ask for the things you want? (and not go on this passive-aggressive writing shtick.)
a character flaw -- you have not been brought up to Ask for things. the unspoken principle you've been carrying around is: people will give you what they think you are worth. they will give you their time if they think you deserve it. they will make space for you in their lives if they want you in it.
intellectually, you understand that things are not so black and white. most are gray. but black and white is easier when you just want to feel.
don't pin your hopes on one person. however virtuous and noble they may appear/strive to be (or how open-ended your expectations are), they will disappoint. they will unknowingly dismiss you. unwittingly, they will set you aside, to be taken out only on days when they feel they need your help.
and the way that feels -- and it's not even the act of "setting aside" that guts you. it is the unawareness. they do not realize. they think nothing of it -- like the consideration of your feelings is not even a topic in the agenda.
so why don't you just save them from their ignorance? why don't you just Ask for the things you want? (and not go on this passive-aggressive writing shtick.)
a character flaw -- you have not been brought up to Ask for things. the unspoken principle you've been carrying around is: people will give you what they think you are worth. they will give you their time if they think you deserve it. they will make space for you in their lives if they want you in it.
intellectually, you understand that things are not so black and white. most are gray. but black and white is easier when you just want to feel.
Monday, March 24, 2014
a one-week leave = one week to overthink
april signals your two-year anniversary in this country, in this company, in this strange set of conditions for existence that you call your life now.
how do you feel about it? (and be honest please; there is literally no one to judge you here. thank god you are just one inconsequential speck of virtual dust in the ever-expanding blogosphere.)
frankly, you're a little dead on the inside, aren't you? i can see it in how you struggle with small talk. it's not because you are anti-social, as your almost daily companion has pointed out time and again (although, admit it, you do have such tendencies). it's because you've been here for two years and it appears that you have not progressed BEYOND small talk. it frustrates you, i know, even if you have learned how to stick to safe subjects, have become less abrasive and opinionated, quieter and more reserved than you were before (and to think that i had thought that was impossible). there's nothing to be ashamed of about those things, of course. you adapt however you can. just remember though that there is life after all of this. and i'm afraid you've made your mind duller than you would want to, made comprises which possibly have effects you still don't know the full extent of.
---
still, you can't really complain. be grateful for your health (you can still freaking run for 1 hour! good for you!). recognize that this job has given you a degree of financial freedom and a savings capacity that you could not have gotten in your country as a mere english major. you have acquaintances/friends. you have your family on skype almost everyday.
you have to get out of this sense-deadening funk you are on!
the first step, i think, is to find a friend who you actually have something in common with.
now you got the rest of the week to overthink about these things.
how do you feel about it? (and be honest please; there is literally no one to judge you here. thank god you are just one inconsequential speck of virtual dust in the ever-expanding blogosphere.)
frankly, you're a little dead on the inside, aren't you? i can see it in how you struggle with small talk. it's not because you are anti-social, as your almost daily companion has pointed out time and again (although, admit it, you do have such tendencies). it's because you've been here for two years and it appears that you have not progressed BEYOND small talk. it frustrates you, i know, even if you have learned how to stick to safe subjects, have become less abrasive and opinionated, quieter and more reserved than you were before (and to think that i had thought that was impossible). there's nothing to be ashamed of about those things, of course. you adapt however you can. just remember though that there is life after all of this. and i'm afraid you've made your mind duller than you would want to, made comprises which possibly have effects you still don't know the full extent of.
---
still, you can't really complain. be grateful for your health (you can still freaking run for 1 hour! good for you!). recognize that this job has given you a degree of financial freedom and a savings capacity that you could not have gotten in your country as a mere english major. you have acquaintances/friends. you have your family on skype almost everyday.
you have to get out of this sense-deadening funk you are on!
the first step, i think, is to find a friend who you actually have something in common with.
now you got the rest of the week to overthink about these things.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
be still
going home. you don't want to think about it because you are afraid that if you start to, you won't be able to think of anything else.
going home. the two words roll off from your tongue but you don't know what they really mean yet.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
a reminder for a less drama-filled life
"If you know, to recognize that you know; if you don't know, to realize that you don't know: that is true knowledge."
if you know, to recognize that you know; if you don't know, to realize that you don't know, and be okay with either case: that is the goal.
if you know, to recognize that you know; if you don't know, to realize that you don't know, and be okay with either case: that is the goal.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
post-run thoughts
thought cluster 1:
the emotional anatomy of a run
- running always makes you feel good...AFTER you're done running.
- it makes your brain go blank DURING running. it's like someone dunked your face into a bucket full of water. in the first few seconds, you can still wonder about things (hmm, do i need to do OT later? / crap, i forgot my towel! now i have to hide from the gym instructor / damn, i stink!). after 3 minutes or so, your multi-trail mind gets on a one-way track: breathe damnit!
- it makes you sigh BEFORE you run. whether in relief (yes, finally, some time to de-stress!), grief (gah, do i have to?) or boredom (not again, i just ran yesterday), you don't really attempt to lock on to the feeling; it's better to leave it vague.
thought cluster 2:
Internet wandering today led you to a bbc article that says european forests are nearing its "saturation point" in absorbing atmospheric CO2. this means there will come a time that europe-rooted trees won't be able to contribute in the Global Forest Project of eliminating the excess CO2 in our atmosphere and cool down our planet a bit. you dunno what their asian, north and south american, middle eastern, as well as african tree counterparts have to say about that. but if they stage a strike and altogether stop sucking in the CO2, you wonder if we can swap our O2-using lungs for CO2-using ones instead? hmmmmm.
thought outburst 1:
your room is a pig sty! (which makes u a....)
stray thought 1:
you wonder what happened to the referral you gave to the HR. and the guy isn't even updating you. aysusginoo.
thought cluster 3:
so you got what you wanted. out of the more-structured class for korean. now into the ... uncertainty of self-study of malay. haha. maybe you should start small. 5 words a day, what do you say? nothing to lose.
on the subject of studying, should you go back and just finish your MA? you've gotten some money saved up now for the tuition fee and some to spare for the miscellaneous expenses. but is your heart still in the course you picked? gah. you just gave your brain something to work on tonight. maybe you should go for a run again. o.O
the emotional anatomy of a run
- running always makes you feel good...AFTER you're done running.
- it makes your brain go blank DURING running. it's like someone dunked your face into a bucket full of water. in the first few seconds, you can still wonder about things (hmm, do i need to do OT later? / crap, i forgot my towel! now i have to hide from the gym instructor / damn, i stink!). after 3 minutes or so, your multi-trail mind gets on a one-way track: breathe damnit!
- it makes you sigh BEFORE you run. whether in relief (yes, finally, some time to de-stress!), grief (gah, do i have to?) or boredom (not again, i just ran yesterday), you don't really attempt to lock on to the feeling; it's better to leave it vague.
thought cluster 2:
Internet wandering today led you to a bbc article that says european forests are nearing its "saturation point" in absorbing atmospheric CO2. this means there will come a time that europe-rooted trees won't be able to contribute in the Global Forest Project of eliminating the excess CO2 in our atmosphere and cool down our planet a bit. you dunno what their asian, north and south american, middle eastern, as well as african tree counterparts have to say about that. but if they stage a strike and altogether stop sucking in the CO2, you wonder if we can swap our O2-using lungs for CO2-using ones instead? hmmmmm.
thought outburst 1:
your room is a pig sty! (which makes u a....)
stray thought 1:
you wonder what happened to the referral you gave to the HR. and the guy isn't even updating you. aysusginoo.
thought cluster 3:
so you got what you wanted. out of the more-structured class for korean. now into the ... uncertainty of self-study of malay. haha. maybe you should start small. 5 words a day, what do you say? nothing to lose.
on the subject of studying, should you go back and just finish your MA? you've gotten some money saved up now for the tuition fee and some to spare for the miscellaneous expenses. but is your heart still in the course you picked? gah. you just gave your brain something to work on tonight. maybe you should go for a run again. o.O
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
time travel to 2013!
random, fleeting thoughts: losing it
trying to resuscitate your ailing interest to write is like washing down a sizable chunk of meat lodged in your gullet. it just won't budge (and your core self is already purplish blue from choking).
you worry that the damage might be one of those things that are permanent. irreversible. like losing a limb or your two front adult teeth. (you may be able to replace them with artificial ones, but you will live with the haunting, unshakeable feeling that a part of you will always be fake.)
---
in creative writing class, prof said that a writer has a certain voice - a distinctive way one puts together prose like a weaver fashions a pattern in fabric. if you are familiar enough with a writer's work, you almost always can tell from the get-go what particular piece she wrote.
my hope is that i don't swap mine for a disclaimer-type voice. that way i will still recognize my self when i write.
======
highlight of the day: having lunch with your teammates.
you're in a...ahem, "special" team. whether or not you are special is debatable. what you can acknowledge is that you don't want to be special if it equates to more work. haha.
you have to admit though. there really is something special about your teammates. they actually care about the work! (imagine that. o.0) and that's something to respect and appreciate. cheers, mates! you make me want to do my best.
======
for the long haul: career growth
let's face it. your next job won't have "Must be knowledgeable about disclaimers and be an expert in MS Word shortcuts" as a criterion for employment.
so how do you improve yourself professionally while you are in this job?
the only road forward that you see has a "Languages" sign. a translator job back home will pay decent money and will maintain your not-too-social policy in work arrangements. so get your act together! it's easy to learn Malay so better get that settled through self-study. for profitability, set your sights on Japanese or French.
you can go back to publishing, too, you suppose. but beware, you might frown at your first paycheck.
=====
will try to post one blog entry a week. self-discipline is a slippery fella.
trying to resuscitate your ailing interest to write is like washing down a sizable chunk of meat lodged in your gullet. it just won't budge (and your core self is already purplish blue from choking).
you worry that the damage might be one of those things that are permanent. irreversible. like losing a limb or your two front adult teeth. (you may be able to replace them with artificial ones, but you will live with the haunting, unshakeable feeling that a part of you will always be fake.)
---
in creative writing class, prof said that a writer has a certain voice - a distinctive way one puts together prose like a weaver fashions a pattern in fabric. if you are familiar enough with a writer's work, you almost always can tell from the get-go what particular piece she wrote.
my hope is that i don't swap mine for a disclaimer-type voice. that way i will still recognize my self when i write.
======
highlight of the day: having lunch with your teammates.
you're in a...ahem, "special" team. whether or not you are special is debatable. what you can acknowledge is that you don't want to be special if it equates to more work. haha.
you have to admit though. there really is something special about your teammates. they actually care about the work! (imagine that. o.0) and that's something to respect and appreciate. cheers, mates! you make me want to do my best.
======
for the long haul: career growth
let's face it. your next job won't have "Must be knowledgeable about disclaimers and be an expert in MS Word shortcuts" as a criterion for employment.
so how do you improve yourself professionally while you are in this job?
the only road forward that you see has a "Languages" sign. a translator job back home will pay decent money and will maintain your not-too-social policy in work arrangements. so get your act together! it's easy to learn Malay so better get that settled through self-study. for profitability, set your sights on Japanese or French.
you can go back to publishing, too, you suppose. but beware, you might frown at your first paycheck.
=====
will try to post one blog entry a week. self-discipline is a slippery fella.
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