the mental chatter in my head does not want to go unacknowledged:
don't pin your hopes on one person. however virtuous and noble they may appear/strive to be (or how open-ended your expectations are), they will disappoint. they will unknowingly dismiss you. unwittingly, they will set you aside, to be taken out only on days when they feel they need your help.
and the way that feels -- and it's not even the act of "setting aside" that guts you. it is the unawareness. they do not realize. they think nothing of it -- like the consideration of your feelings is not even a topic in the agenda.
so why don't you just save them from their ignorance? why don't you just Ask for the things you want? (and not go on this passive-aggressive writing shtick.)
a character flaw -- you have not been brought up to Ask for things. the unspoken principle you've been carrying around is: people will give you what they think you are worth. they will give you their time if they think you deserve it. they will make space for you in their lives if they want you in it.
intellectually, you understand that things are not so black and white. most are gray. but black and white is easier when you just want to feel.
