I don't want kids. I'm not opposed to marriage/perpetual monogamy, what have you. But motherhood's not for me. I don't have the urge to pro-create. Sure I find them cute. I can make funny faces, toss them in the air and make them giggle-y. But I don't want to take them home.
This is not the popular way to go for women, I am aware. I'm sure people have their opinions of people who don't want to have kids (i.e., they're selfish, too self-absorbed; they don't know what they will be missing; they are ignorant of the joys of parenthood; they will change their minds and by then it'll be too late - ha!).
Those opinions might represent me. Who knows. People (save for those who are capable of looking beyond and poking holes through their own biases) will see what they want to see.
The thing is -- I don't owe anyone an explanation. I just owe one to myself. And if the explanation is something I can live with. Then that's all that matters.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
rainy sunday and mourning
the mental chatter in my head does not want to go unacknowledged:
don't pin your hopes on one person. however virtuous and noble they may appear/strive to be (or how open-ended your expectations are), they will disappoint. they will unknowingly dismiss you. unwittingly, they will set you aside, to be taken out only on days when they feel they need your help.
and the way that feels -- and it's not even the act of "setting aside" that guts you. it is the unawareness. they do not realize. they think nothing of it -- like the consideration of your feelings is not even a topic in the agenda.
so why don't you just save them from their ignorance? why don't you just Ask for the things you want? (and not go on this passive-aggressive writing shtick.)
a character flaw -- you have not been brought up to Ask for things. the unspoken principle you've been carrying around is: people will give you what they think you are worth. they will give you their time if they think you deserve it. they will make space for you in their lives if they want you in it.
intellectually, you understand that things are not so black and white. most are gray. but black and white is easier when you just want to feel.
don't pin your hopes on one person. however virtuous and noble they may appear/strive to be (or how open-ended your expectations are), they will disappoint. they will unknowingly dismiss you. unwittingly, they will set you aside, to be taken out only on days when they feel they need your help.
and the way that feels -- and it's not even the act of "setting aside" that guts you. it is the unawareness. they do not realize. they think nothing of it -- like the consideration of your feelings is not even a topic in the agenda.
so why don't you just save them from their ignorance? why don't you just Ask for the things you want? (and not go on this passive-aggressive writing shtick.)
a character flaw -- you have not been brought up to Ask for things. the unspoken principle you've been carrying around is: people will give you what they think you are worth. they will give you their time if they think you deserve it. they will make space for you in their lives if they want you in it.
intellectually, you understand that things are not so black and white. most are gray. but black and white is easier when you just want to feel.
Monday, March 24, 2014
a one-week leave = one week to overthink
april signals your two-year anniversary in this country, in this company, in this strange set of conditions for existence that you call your life now.
how do you feel about it? (and be honest please; there is literally no one to judge you here. thank god you are just one inconsequential speck of virtual dust in the ever-expanding blogosphere.)
frankly, you're a little dead on the inside, aren't you? i can see it in how you struggle with small talk. it's not because you are anti-social, as your almost daily companion has pointed out time and again (although, admit it, you do have such tendencies). it's because you've been here for two years and it appears that you have not progressed BEYOND small talk. it frustrates you, i know, even if you have learned how to stick to safe subjects, have become less abrasive and opinionated, quieter and more reserved than you were before (and to think that i had thought that was impossible). there's nothing to be ashamed of about those things, of course. you adapt however you can. just remember though that there is life after all of this. and i'm afraid you've made your mind duller than you would want to, made comprises which possibly have effects you still don't know the full extent of.
---
still, you can't really complain. be grateful for your health (you can still freaking run for 1 hour! good for you!). recognize that this job has given you a degree of financial freedom and a savings capacity that you could not have gotten in your country as a mere english major. you have acquaintances/friends. you have your family on skype almost everyday.
you have to get out of this sense-deadening funk you are on!
the first step, i think, is to find a friend who you actually have something in common with.
now you got the rest of the week to overthink about these things.
how do you feel about it? (and be honest please; there is literally no one to judge you here. thank god you are just one inconsequential speck of virtual dust in the ever-expanding blogosphere.)
frankly, you're a little dead on the inside, aren't you? i can see it in how you struggle with small talk. it's not because you are anti-social, as your almost daily companion has pointed out time and again (although, admit it, you do have such tendencies). it's because you've been here for two years and it appears that you have not progressed BEYOND small talk. it frustrates you, i know, even if you have learned how to stick to safe subjects, have become less abrasive and opinionated, quieter and more reserved than you were before (and to think that i had thought that was impossible). there's nothing to be ashamed of about those things, of course. you adapt however you can. just remember though that there is life after all of this. and i'm afraid you've made your mind duller than you would want to, made comprises which possibly have effects you still don't know the full extent of.
---
still, you can't really complain. be grateful for your health (you can still freaking run for 1 hour! good for you!). recognize that this job has given you a degree of financial freedom and a savings capacity that you could not have gotten in your country as a mere english major. you have acquaintances/friends. you have your family on skype almost everyday.
you have to get out of this sense-deadening funk you are on!
the first step, i think, is to find a friend who you actually have something in common with.
now you got the rest of the week to overthink about these things.
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