friday of the first week

i'm off to a good start, slowly laying the bricks of my foundation. (damn. sorry, world, for imposing on you such a dull cliche.)

ran on tuesday (at the camp) and wednesday (at the marikina sports center). then before going home on wednesday, got wind of a futsal training session the next day. good thing it was scheduled late (late, late) in the day, around 600 up until 900 pm. it was such a relief to be able to play again! i've missed it. just playing around with the ball, trying (often failing, haha) to maneuver it out of the opposing player's reach. but at the same time, it was also an embarrassment and in a way, a painful rebirth of some sort. i experienced a mental dislocation. i realized i haven't been a good team player and that perhaps i won't ever be. lipas na, kumbaga. the individuals i've been playing with have formed a new group. and they play so well together that to try to be a part of that again would just be intrusive and maybe even rude. (another maybe: it's just my projection of things.) i want to be fair to them; these women are very competitive and i don't want to get in their way (which will most likely happen because i haven't been around to get immersed and familiar with their way of playing). but i also want to play again just to enjoy the game. the short of it is: we have different values now. and that's going to cause some friction.

i learned some things yesterday. but i'm still going to test them out in succeeding experiences.

lesson 1: running non-stop for 1 hour doesn't help your sprinting capacity. no siree. on the contrary, i think it gives you a lethargic sense of complacency (if lethargic could ever be a word that you associate with running. nyahaha.) when you go for runs, you think about setting a rhythm (of breath, swing of the arms, and the pumping of the legs). when you establish that, you find it easier to last because then you just have to focus on keeping with the rhythm and not so much on the effing blister you have on your right big toe.

but in playing football, the competitive advantage (assuming the whole point of playing is to win, which for some people *ahem* *me* *ahem* may be debatable) lies in the element of surprise derived from the quick and unpredictable shifting of pace and direction.

conclusion: endurance training is different from speed training. if you want to play football again, squeeze sprinting into your well-being plan. it won't be easy but don't tell me you can't slip in two bursts of sprinting in your rhythm run. Nuh-uh. that excuse is not going to fly.

lesson 2: be more energy-efficient when doing defense. don't try to confuse your ball-carrying opponent by shifting your leg from left to right (in the attempt to appear unpredictable in blocking his/her ball pass) while you approach him/her. this is a bad habit of yours. without all that shifting antic, you might be able increase your speed. the key to blocking a ball pass is tiempo. that's what you need to work on, your timing.

conclusion: try it again next session and observe if it really does work. if it doesn't, cut it out.

i have also realized some things about myself.

observation 1: your brain moves in reverse discrimination. upon acquaintance, you have the unfortunate tendency to initially dismiss (or at least, not be your friendly self to) people with fairly white skin, are English-speaking, wearing stylish clothes, and those who (as you've observed) only talk to individuals who exhibit the same traits. what you might call conventionally 'beautiful people' in the context of mainstream Filipino cultural tastes. conversely, you prefer the underdog, the quiet ones, those who stay in the fringes of the circle.

why the behavior?

perhaps you are insecure of the 'beautiful people'. you know you'll never be a part of their group so before you get rejected, you beat them to it. That's possibility 1. but there's an aspect of yourself that argues against that. you know your self to have little patience for the complex and calculated processes of 'effortless beauty' (i.e., waking up at 4 am in the morning to prettify yourself without having to look like you worked for it, let alone that you actually care). you're a bit on the mestiza side yourself but you've never thought white skin=beauty (or maybe it's something you take for granted?). you abhor cliques and when you find relationships constricting, you go rogue. In an community ever-obsessed with PX goods and US brands, the ability to speak English (with an accent, especially) is a status symbol. A mispronunciation of an English word can reduce a person to a sputtering idiot or a crowd jester. That said, you try to speak in English because you think you owe it to your having graduated from the BA English Studies program that you practice what you learned and make use of the otherwise generally useless degree.

Possibility 2: Maybe you feel like you belong to the underdog group. well, that would certainly go well with the idea that you've always felt like an outsider. an observer rather than the performer.

Possibility 3: Maybe you want to feel superior? When around 'small people,' individuals, even with average height and mediocre looks, will stand out. This idea i haven't tried to engage with in experience. Next time, i need to observe my mind when in situations like these and ask questions like: do i patronize them? do i ask questions about themselves but never really listen to their answers and just wait for my turn to speak? do i cut them off when they're talking? do i learn things from them? (because that would be proof that you respect them enough to recognize the quality of their ideas regardless of social standing).

Possibility 4: it may be a mix of the 3 possibilities. if that is the case, you are more screwed up in the head than i originally thought.

observe your actions and the ideas they arise from.

understand your motivations, guerrero. be brutal in your self-honesty. you have to fight to keep awake.

foundations

this week, i'm focusing on values. i have to excavate the values that i have consciously or unconsciously picked up over the years and around which i build my habits, actions, reactions, expressions.

first is health, which, in my opinion, is the starting point and allows for the improvement of everything else. anyone who has been in the urgent situation of standing in line to use the toilet would understand how physical/biological health comes before and is above all concerns. mental, physical, social, spiritual. perhaps well-being is the better word.

i have to draft a well-being plan and muster the discipline to stick to it. when i was working in a military camp, this was easy. they had physical fitness as one of their core values. i could run around the camp two times a week. their food rations had veggies and fruits as staple fare. i can replicate this.

i used to play football in college. played 3 times a week. sometimes even more than that. i can play again if i wanted to. the club is still there and i think they're in need of more female players.

okay. let's do this.

first week of habit training for exercise:

1. have to run for 1 hour for two days, irrespective whether the days are consecutive or not. just make sure it's for two days.
2. jumprope for 300 times a day, every morning.

first week of habit training for intelligent eating:
1. add veggies to every meal.
*i have successfully eliminated eating fat from pork and chicken skin.

after the first week, i will add more requirements.

work in progress

i need a lot of work on myself. i've always known that but i keep getting distracted. multi-tasking is a sought-after trait but i've observed that prolonged multi-tasking puts a strain on my discipline and self-control. i need to work on myself one bad habit at a time.

so, i've decided to start a blog to monitor and build my self-awareness on my habits, values, and beliefs. i will work to get to the point where i can be brutally honest with myself. no bs. no convoluted, far-fetched excuses to rationalize my laziness or shortcomings. acknowledgment is only the first step to the long process of change. i need to acknowledge them now so i can get on with it.

today, i am declaring war with myself, against the part of me that i need to cut off and shed to make myself a better person. not the best person around -- just a person whom i could like; a person that i can live with for the rest of my life. it's hard to envision having a lasting relationship or starting a family with someone if i don't know if i actually like myself.

i have to fight for conscious decisions. waking up to the time i set on my alarm clock. eating intelligently and in moderation. being a more caring person in my existing relationships.

that's where i am at in my journey for personal evolution.

i've got to start somewhere.