25. I've been on this earth for 25 years already. wow. haha.
i'd like to take the time to be grateful for all the people, experiences, ideas and things that have given my existence enough sense and meaning for me to last the duration of 25 years. in between the hustle and bustle of everyday life, i might not have the luxury to ask the BIG questions but hey, sometimes life hits you with those nauseating curve balls that make you have to stop and ask them.
and so...
ahem, ahem.
my mother, whose endurance and selflessness in raising her four kids alone since 1998 will forever eclipse whatever i will accomplish in my life. i've never said i love you in the way and frequency that i ought to if i am to be taken seriously. but i hope you know that i do. i also hope that i become more of the daughter that you deserve.
my sister. now, where do i start? you were, are, will be my bestest friend in the whole widest world! there was a time when i thought i didn't anyone else because we would always be together. i still believe we will always be together. but i think we're at the point in our lives were we need someone else to wipe the drool from our mouths when we're puking and to physically restrain us when we're going to do something stupid. i love you and i will be here for you.
my brothers. you are my primary test subjects of the male species, which i have observed over the years. you both have taught me that we have our different ways and different paces in growing up, and that to survive habitat-sharing, we must respect these differences. (but girls really do mature earlier than boys do. couldn't resist, sorry.) i love and hate you both dearly.
writing. you inspire authenticity in me that perhaps no human being could ever could. you give me clarity that no other form of communication can. you allow me the use of a tool to structure my reality and moderate my self-denial tendencies (HAHA). you also caused me many a headache and pain of brain-hemorrhage proportions that i'm pretty sure will cost me my retirement years. i will forever be thankful to you for being the grasa to my rust-ridden anchor to reality.
running. you make me march to the beat of my own internal drum, however awkward and unpopular the rhythm may be. there may be some days that i don't like you. but there will always be days that you are the only one to save me from myself.
football. you and my playfulness are best friends. and although my playfulness don't always show itself, you always have the uncanny ability to tease it out. thank you for that. life will label me dumb if it were not for your insistence that i am just a little dull. haha.
companions. you are a crazy bunch and our diversity is entertaining and are the real-life avenues for learning. thank you for being crazy enough to tolerate my existence (as i am to tolerate yours.)
sunrise. Ohhh, you are the cosmic jolt of energy to my bones and of hope to my perennially dusky temperament. don't die on me just yet, please.
sun-dried blankets. the sense of home/belongingness neatly packed in an object. if only you were presentable enough to carry around. (and no, i don't thumbsuck.)
contrasts. of shades. of tastes. of locations. of altitudes. of meanings. of feelings between 'shitty' and 'rip-roaring happy'. of everything under the sun and above the stratosphere. if i were immune to your contours, death would be a more merciful option.
who/what else? this list is long as it is. even grammy awardees don't get an hour. haha.
but just,.... well thanks, life. for kicking me in the butt (through likeable and unlikeable people, tv shows, net articles, road signs, anonymous scribblings) when i need to wake up to ideas that have been staring in my face.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
running : life
i ran yesterday at the camp. i rounded the oval for about 20 times. i wasn't sure i'd make it since it's been a while since i put myself to the task of 20 rounds. my minimum is 10, 15 is so-so.
i've been running since i was 22. ate minnie was the one who got me started doing endurance runs. she's also the one who got me climbing mountains and liking it. i haven't thanked her yet.
running and i have a love-hate relationship. kind of like life and the other things in it.
i love it because it teaches me things that no mentor could demonstrate better:
- listen to yourself. only you know the pace you can handle. only you know what hurts and when the pain is just too much that even your pride can't hack it. only you know how many rounds you've done and when "enough" is actually "all i've got".
- there will always (ALWAYS) be people who are faster than you, stronger than you, have more endurance than you. don't spend an iota of energy trying to argue otherwise. stick to your pace. own your efforts, your achievements, your failings.
- show up. that's half the battle. it really is.
- take the next step. worry about the others later.
- humility lets you get closer to your self.
- your word is your worth. when you say you'll go for 10 rounds, go for 10 rounds, no matter the circumstances (unless the sky is falling or the ground under you is opening up). many problems in the world are caused by worthless words. words should matter. thoughts --> words --> reality. i think i am this --> i profess that i am this --> i become this.
i hate it because it teaches me things that once i know i can't back away from.
i've been running since i was 22. ate minnie was the one who got me started doing endurance runs. she's also the one who got me climbing mountains and liking it. i haven't thanked her yet.
running and i have a love-hate relationship. kind of like life and the other things in it.
i love it because it teaches me things that no mentor could demonstrate better:
- listen to yourself. only you know the pace you can handle. only you know what hurts and when the pain is just too much that even your pride can't hack it. only you know how many rounds you've done and when "enough" is actually "all i've got".
- there will always (ALWAYS) be people who are faster than you, stronger than you, have more endurance than you. don't spend an iota of energy trying to argue otherwise. stick to your pace. own your efforts, your achievements, your failings.
- show up. that's half the battle. it really is.
- take the next step. worry about the others later.
- humility lets you get closer to your self.
- your word is your worth. when you say you'll go for 10 rounds, go for 10 rounds, no matter the circumstances (unless the sky is falling or the ground under you is opening up). many problems in the world are caused by worthless words. words should matter. thoughts --> words --> reality. i think i am this --> i profess that i am this --> i become this.
i hate it because it teaches me things that once i know i can't back away from.
Monday, August 23, 2010
the execution gap
this is harder than i thought.
i've had three entries under the draft section. i don't like taking up old stories just because i can't seem to re-connect to the version of who i was three days or a week ago. so i click on "new post".
on well-being plan. running two times a week: i'm still on track, i think. i just missed one running session last week and i plan on making up for it. i hope i get the motivation mojo going.
i also plan to take up jump roping (is that one word?). just to supplement the running.
on intelligent eating: this battle i'm having trouble with. i adore breads! it doesn't help that my sister keeps on bringing home cheese rolls and whatnot from work. AND mother can't stop baking cinnamon rolls! GAH. i might as well give up. (Nah, that's just the drama queen me talking. i'll get over it. i have to. booyah!) Just remember that you're the one who has choice. the bread doesn't get to choose whether it'll be eaten or not. it's you who stuffs her mouth with bread, regardless the absence of the bread's consent.
when i internalize this well-being plan in my routine, the next life value to scrutinize is relationships. ha. i have a feeling that's going to be harder than a one-hour run.
i've had three entries under the draft section. i don't like taking up old stories just because i can't seem to re-connect to the version of who i was three days or a week ago. so i click on "new post".
on well-being plan. running two times a week: i'm still on track, i think. i just missed one running session last week and i plan on making up for it. i hope i get the motivation mojo going.
i also plan to take up jump roping (is that one word?). just to supplement the running.
on intelligent eating: this battle i'm having trouble with. i adore breads! it doesn't help that my sister keeps on bringing home cheese rolls and whatnot from work. AND mother can't stop baking cinnamon rolls! GAH. i might as well give up. (Nah, that's just the drama queen me talking. i'll get over it. i have to. booyah!) Just remember that you're the one who has choice. the bread doesn't get to choose whether it'll be eaten or not. it's you who stuffs her mouth with bread, regardless the absence of the bread's consent.
when i internalize this well-being plan in my routine, the next life value to scrutinize is relationships. ha. i have a feeling that's going to be harder than a one-hour run.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
friday of the first week
i'm off to a good start, slowly laying the bricks of my foundation. (damn. sorry, world, for imposing on you such a dull cliche.)
ran on tuesday (at the camp) and wednesday (at the marikina sports center). then before going home on wednesday, got wind of a futsal training session the next day. good thing it was scheduled late (late, late) in the day, around 600 up until 900 pm. it was such a relief to be able to play again! i've missed it. just playing around with the ball, trying (often failing, haha) to maneuver it out of the opposing player's reach. but at the same time, it was also an embarrassment and in a way, a painful rebirth of some sort. i experienced a mental dislocation. i realized i haven't been a good team player and that perhaps i won't ever be. lipas na, kumbaga. the individuals i've been playing with have formed a new group. and they play so well together that to try to be a part of that again would just be intrusive and maybe even rude. (another maybe: it's just my projection of things.) i want to be fair to them; these women are very competitive and i don't want to get in their way (which will most likely happen because i haven't been around to get immersed and familiar with their way of playing). but i also want to play again just to enjoy the game. the short of it is: we have different values now. and that's going to cause some friction.
i learned some things yesterday. but i'm still going to test them out in succeeding experiences.
lesson 1: running non-stop for 1 hour doesn't help your sprinting capacity. no siree. on the contrary, i think it gives you a lethargic sense of complacency (if lethargic could ever be a word that you associate with running. nyahaha.) when you go for runs, you think about setting a rhythm (of breath, swing of the arms, and the pumping of the legs). when you establish that, you find it easier to last because then you just have to focus on keeping with the rhythm and not so much on the effing blister you have on your right big toe.
but in playing football, the competitive advantage (assuming the whole point of playing is to win, which for some people *ahem* *me* *ahem* may be debatable) lies in the element of surprise derived from the quick and unpredictable shifting of pace and direction.
conclusion: endurance training is different from speed training. if you want to play football again, squeeze sprinting into your well-being plan. it won't be easy but don't tell me you can't slip in two bursts of sprinting in your rhythm run. Nuh-uh. that excuse is not going to fly.
lesson 2: be more energy-efficient when doing defense. don't try to confuse your ball-carrying opponent by shifting your leg from left to right (in the attempt to appear unpredictable in blocking his/her ball pass) while you approach him/her. this is a bad habit of yours. without all that shifting antic, you might be able increase your speed. the key to blocking a ball pass is tiempo. that's what you need to work on, your timing.
conclusion: try it again next session and observe if it really does work. if it doesn't, cut it out.
i have also realized some things about myself.
observation 1: your brain moves in reverse discrimination. upon acquaintance, you have the unfortunate tendency to initially dismiss (or at least, not be your friendly self to) people with fairly white skin, are English-speaking, wearing stylish clothes, and those who (as you've observed) only talk to individuals who exhibit the same traits. what you might call conventionally 'beautiful people' in the context of mainstream Filipino cultural tastes. conversely, you prefer the underdog, the quiet ones, those who stay in the fringes of the circle.
why the behavior?
perhaps you are insecure of the 'beautiful people'. you know you'll never be a part of their group so before you get rejected, you beat them to it. That's possibility 1. but there's an aspect of yourself that argues against that. you know your self to have little patience for the complex and calculated processes of 'effortless beauty' (i.e., waking up at 4 am in the morning to prettify yourself without having to look like you worked for it, let alone that you actually care). you're a bit on the mestiza side yourself but you've never thought white skin=beauty (or maybe it's something you take for granted?). you abhor cliques and when you find relationships constricting, you go rogue. In an community ever-obsessed with PX goods and US brands, the ability to speak English (with an accent, especially) is a status symbol. A mispronunciation of an English word can reduce a person to a sputtering idiot or a crowd jester. That said, you try to speak in English because you think you owe it to your having graduated from the BA English Studies program that you practice what you learned and make use of the otherwise generally useless degree.
Possibility 2: Maybe you feel like you belong to the underdog group. well, that would certainly go well with the idea that you've always felt like an outsider. an observer rather than the performer.
Possibility 3: Maybe you want to feel superior? When around 'small people,' individuals, even with average height and mediocre looks, will stand out. This idea i haven't tried to engage with in experience. Next time, i need to observe my mind when in situations like these and ask questions like: do i patronize them? do i ask questions about themselves but never really listen to their answers and just wait for my turn to speak? do i cut them off when they're talking? do i learn things from them? (because that would be proof that you respect them enough to recognize the quality of their ideas regardless of social standing).
Possibility 4: it may be a mix of the 3 possibilities. if that is the case, you are more screwed up in the head than i originally thought.
observe your actions and the ideas they arise from.
understand your motivations, guerrero. be brutal in your self-honesty. you have to fight to keep awake.
ran on tuesday (at the camp) and wednesday (at the marikina sports center). then before going home on wednesday, got wind of a futsal training session the next day. good thing it was scheduled late (late, late) in the day, around 600 up until 900 pm. it was such a relief to be able to play again! i've missed it. just playing around with the ball, trying (often failing, haha) to maneuver it out of the opposing player's reach. but at the same time, it was also an embarrassment and in a way, a painful rebirth of some sort. i experienced a mental dislocation. i realized i haven't been a good team player and that perhaps i won't ever be. lipas na, kumbaga. the individuals i've been playing with have formed a new group. and they play so well together that to try to be a part of that again would just be intrusive and maybe even rude. (another maybe: it's just my projection of things.) i want to be fair to them; these women are very competitive and i don't want to get in their way (which will most likely happen because i haven't been around to get immersed and familiar with their way of playing). but i also want to play again just to enjoy the game. the short of it is: we have different values now. and that's going to cause some friction.
i learned some things yesterday. but i'm still going to test them out in succeeding experiences.
lesson 1: running non-stop for 1 hour doesn't help your sprinting capacity. no siree. on the contrary, i think it gives you a lethargic sense of complacency (if lethargic could ever be a word that you associate with running. nyahaha.) when you go for runs, you think about setting a rhythm (of breath, swing of the arms, and the pumping of the legs). when you establish that, you find it easier to last because then you just have to focus on keeping with the rhythm and not so much on the effing blister you have on your right big toe.
but in playing football, the competitive advantage (assuming the whole point of playing is to win, which for some people *ahem* *me* *ahem* may be debatable) lies in the element of surprise derived from the quick and unpredictable shifting of pace and direction.
conclusion: endurance training is different from speed training. if you want to play football again, squeeze sprinting into your well-being plan. it won't be easy but don't tell me you can't slip in two bursts of sprinting in your rhythm run. Nuh-uh. that excuse is not going to fly.
lesson 2: be more energy-efficient when doing defense. don't try to confuse your ball-carrying opponent by shifting your leg from left to right (in the attempt to appear unpredictable in blocking his/her ball pass) while you approach him/her. this is a bad habit of yours. without all that shifting antic, you might be able increase your speed. the key to blocking a ball pass is tiempo. that's what you need to work on, your timing.
conclusion: try it again next session and observe if it really does work. if it doesn't, cut it out.
i have also realized some things about myself.
observation 1: your brain moves in reverse discrimination. upon acquaintance, you have the unfortunate tendency to initially dismiss (or at least, not be your friendly self to) people with fairly white skin, are English-speaking, wearing stylish clothes, and those who (as you've observed) only talk to individuals who exhibit the same traits. what you might call conventionally 'beautiful people' in the context of mainstream Filipino cultural tastes. conversely, you prefer the underdog, the quiet ones, those who stay in the fringes of the circle.
why the behavior?
perhaps you are insecure of the 'beautiful people'. you know you'll never be a part of their group so before you get rejected, you beat them to it. That's possibility 1. but there's an aspect of yourself that argues against that. you know your self to have little patience for the complex and calculated processes of 'effortless beauty' (i.e., waking up at 4 am in the morning to prettify yourself without having to look like you worked for it, let alone that you actually care). you're a bit on the mestiza side yourself but you've never thought white skin=beauty (or maybe it's something you take for granted?). you abhor cliques and when you find relationships constricting, you go rogue. In an community ever-obsessed with PX goods and US brands, the ability to speak English (with an accent, especially) is a status symbol. A mispronunciation of an English word can reduce a person to a sputtering idiot or a crowd jester. That said, you try to speak in English because you think you owe it to your having graduated from the BA English Studies program that you practice what you learned and make use of the otherwise generally useless degree.
Possibility 2: Maybe you feel like you belong to the underdog group. well, that would certainly go well with the idea that you've always felt like an outsider. an observer rather than the performer.
Possibility 3: Maybe you want to feel superior? When around 'small people,' individuals, even with average height and mediocre looks, will stand out. This idea i haven't tried to engage with in experience. Next time, i need to observe my mind when in situations like these and ask questions like: do i patronize them? do i ask questions about themselves but never really listen to their answers and just wait for my turn to speak? do i cut them off when they're talking? do i learn things from them? (because that would be proof that you respect them enough to recognize the quality of their ideas regardless of social standing).
Possibility 4: it may be a mix of the 3 possibilities. if that is the case, you are more screwed up in the head than i originally thought.
observe your actions and the ideas they arise from.
understand your motivations, guerrero. be brutal in your self-honesty. you have to fight to keep awake.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
foundations
this week, i'm focusing on values. i have to excavate the values that i have consciously or unconsciously picked up over the years and around which i build my habits, actions, reactions, expressions.
first is health, which, in my opinion, is the starting point and allows for the improvement of everything else. anyone who has been in the urgent situation of standing in line to use the toilet would understand how physical/biological health comes before and is above all concerns. mental, physical, social, spiritual. perhaps well-being is the better word.
i have to draft a well-being plan and muster the discipline to stick to it. when i was working in a military camp, this was easy. they had physical fitness as one of their core values. i could run around the camp two times a week. their food rations had veggies and fruits as staple fare. i can replicate this.
i used to play football in college. played 3 times a week. sometimes even more than that. i can play again if i wanted to. the club is still there and i think they're in need of more female players.
okay. let's do this.
first week of habit training for exercise:
1. have to run for 1 hour for two days, irrespective whether the days are consecutive or not. just make sure it's for two days.
2. jumprope for 300 times a day, every morning.
first week of habit training for intelligent eating:
1. add veggies to every meal.
*i have successfully eliminated eating fat from pork and chicken skin.
after the first week, i will add more requirements.
first is health, which, in my opinion, is the starting point and allows for the improvement of everything else. anyone who has been in the urgent situation of standing in line to use the toilet would understand how physical/biological health comes before and is above all concerns. mental, physical, social, spiritual. perhaps well-being is the better word.
i have to draft a well-being plan and muster the discipline to stick to it. when i was working in a military camp, this was easy. they had physical fitness as one of their core values. i could run around the camp two times a week. their food rations had veggies and fruits as staple fare. i can replicate this.
i used to play football in college. played 3 times a week. sometimes even more than that. i can play again if i wanted to. the club is still there and i think they're in need of more female players.
okay. let's do this.
first week of habit training for exercise:
1. have to run for 1 hour for two days, irrespective whether the days are consecutive or not. just make sure it's for two days.
2. jumprope for 300 times a day, every morning.
first week of habit training for intelligent eating:
1. add veggies to every meal.
*i have successfully eliminated eating fat from pork and chicken skin.
after the first week, i will add more requirements.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
work in progress
i need a lot of work on myself. i've always known that but i keep getting distracted. multi-tasking is a sought-after trait but i've observed that prolonged multi-tasking puts a strain on my discipline and self-control. i need to work on myself one bad habit at a time.
so, i've decided to start a blog to monitor and build my self-awareness on my habits, values, and beliefs. i will work to get to the point where i can be brutally honest with myself. no bs. no convoluted, far-fetched excuses to rationalize my laziness or shortcomings. acknowledgment is only the first step to the long process of change. i need to acknowledge them now so i can get on with it.
today, i am declaring war with myself, against the part of me that i need to cut off and shed to make myself a better person. not the best person around -- just a person whom i could like; a person that i can live with for the rest of my life. it's hard to envision having a lasting relationship or starting a family with someone if i don't know if i actually like myself.
i have to fight for conscious decisions. waking up to the time i set on my alarm clock. eating intelligently and in moderation. being a more caring person in my existing relationships.
that's where i am at in my journey for personal evolution.
i've got to start somewhere.
so, i've decided to start a blog to monitor and build my self-awareness on my habits, values, and beliefs. i will work to get to the point where i can be brutally honest with myself. no bs. no convoluted, far-fetched excuses to rationalize my laziness or shortcomings. acknowledgment is only the first step to the long process of change. i need to acknowledge them now so i can get on with it.
today, i am declaring war with myself, against the part of me that i need to cut off and shed to make myself a better person. not the best person around -- just a person whom i could like; a person that i can live with for the rest of my life. it's hard to envision having a lasting relationship or starting a family with someone if i don't know if i actually like myself.
i have to fight for conscious decisions. waking up to the time i set on my alarm clock. eating intelligently and in moderation. being a more caring person in my existing relationships.
that's where i am at in my journey for personal evolution.
i've got to start somewhere.
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